Reconnecting with the past...

It took me months to decide to "blog" as "me". I used a pen name for months - and probably horrified my sister who was the only one to know my alias was really me.

So, about all the reconnections from the past via Facebook. At first I made a huge effort to post what I wanted people to see. I presented a facade. I still had the need (and to some extent still do) to let people know that I was happy, successful, a great parent, a great sister, daughter... the success!!! I used Facebook to brag about me!

Then, I had a very "real" offline conversation with a childhood friend. I will not use his name, but he was the brother of a elementary school friend. Though he has a name and is very important - he represents all my childhood friends/acquaintances. I wanted him to see all the great parts of me. For all the "friend requests" I put out there I usually believed they either 1. did not remember me, or 2. had no desire to "reconnect". As I think about it - I don't know that anyone has "denied" me. I did fear that I was totally insignificant, or so difficult no one would want to "connect".

What "stories" do we tell ourselves about how we were percieved? When I think of the "childhood" Anne-Marie I see a not so good looking, needy, scared, demanding lost person.

I am beginning to reconcile who I was with who I am. In fact, I have always been the same person - I am just comfortable in my own skin now. I really don't have to apologize, or try to "fix" who I was. And, I don't have to tell stories to justify myself.

I have succeeded at some things, and I have failed. And, that is SO ok!

So - (watch me draw parallels between my blog about people who influenced you without knowing and this one...)

My offline conversation with a friend from elementary school. I was not only shocked he accepted my friend request - but was shocked, touched, and changed via our open honest offline dialogue. Of the many people from my Bannockburn days he was one of the most intimidating.

Turns out we have a lot in common. Childhood is about testing, doubting, pushing, exploring and ultimately figuring out why we do what we do - shedding the stuff we don't like and keeping what we do like.

I don't need to prove to anyone anymore that I turned out OK. I may have failed at the "mortgage" thing (and SO much more!)- but I have succeeded in finally liking who I am, warts and all.

So, I vow to keep being honest. Even if it does feel like I am running naked down the street! (and NO - I have never done that!)