Reconnecting with the past...

It took me months to decide to "blog" as "me". I used a pen name for months - and probably horrified my sister who was the only one to know my alias was really me.

So, about all the reconnections from the past via Facebook. At first I made a huge effort to post what I wanted people to see. I presented a facade. I still had the need (and to some extent still do) to let people know that I was happy, successful, a great parent, a great sister, daughter... the success!!! I used Facebook to brag about me!

Then, I had a very "real" offline conversation with a childhood friend. I will not use his name, but he was the brother of a elementary school friend. Though he has a name and is very important - he represents all my childhood friends/acquaintances. I wanted him to see all the great parts of me. For all the "friend requests" I put out there I usually believed they either 1. did not remember me, or 2. had no desire to "reconnect". As I think about it - I don't know that anyone has "denied" me. I did fear that I was totally insignificant, or so difficult no one would want to "connect".

What "stories" do we tell ourselves about how we were percieved? When I think of the "childhood" Anne-Marie I see a not so good looking, needy, scared, demanding lost person.

I am beginning to reconcile who I was with who I am. In fact, I have always been the same person - I am just comfortable in my own skin now. I really don't have to apologize, or try to "fix" who I was. And, I don't have to tell stories to justify myself.

I have succeeded at some things, and I have failed. And, that is SO ok!

So - (watch me draw parallels between my blog about people who influenced you without knowing and this one...)

My offline conversation with a friend from elementary school. I was not only shocked he accepted my friend request - but was shocked, touched, and changed via our open honest offline dialogue. Of the many people from my Bannockburn days he was one of the most intimidating.

Turns out we have a lot in common. Childhood is about testing, doubting, pushing, exploring and ultimately figuring out why we do what we do - shedding the stuff we don't like and keeping what we do like.

I don't need to prove to anyone anymore that I turned out OK. I may have failed at the "mortgage" thing (and SO much more!)- but I have succeeded in finally liking who I am, warts and all.

So, I vow to keep being honest. Even if it does feel like I am running naked down the street! (and NO - I have never done that!)

What are you risking to get to a higher place?

Last summer I was on top of the world. I was self employed and doing quite well. I had a beautiful home, great kid, family, boyfriend, nice car, blah, blah, blah. I thought success was about having it all. I did it - alone. I have never had child support or alimony (he owes me nothing but being the great Dad is he to our son). I was damn proud of having it all!

Feeling rather invincible I let my health insurance go. Over $700 a month? Rather pocket that and have a new Coach purse, or two.

During a trip to Rocky Point deep sea fishing I got very sick. At the same time I noticed a "bug bite" - which turned out to be a staph infection I incurred during a bad burn from a - ah - bikini wax.

The next day I got sicker - finally scaring the boyfriend into driving me over the border to a hospital. I not only had a staph infection - I had MRSA. Without going into gory details MRSA infections have to heal from the inside out. So, the 2 inch incision was left open and had to be "packed" everyday. EXTREMELY painful!

I didn't work for 2 weeks - and oh, I had to pay out of pocket for all the treatment.

Six weeks later the boyfriend and I were camping. I tripped (no drugs or alcohol involved). It was cold out so I had my hands in my pockets. I fell on my face, which absorbed all the impact.

We camped for another two days. I was NOT going to ruin another vacation! When I got home I went to the ER (not happily since I had no insurance). MRI revealed 8 broken bones and an orbital blow out. My optic muscle was actually impinged in a "trap door fracture" in my eye socket. Surgeons were not sure the eye would ever work again. I had not noticed it was not moving since it was swollen shut.

Anyway - emergency surgery and 3 months of being blind in my left eye and everything is relatively back to normal - Thank God!

However, I am out of all my savings from having paid for my medical mishaps.

On Monday I officially lose the house if I cannot pay my mortgage. I can't.

While I am sad - I no longer measure my happiness by what I have. I can see. My son is healthy, the rest of my family is healthy (though my cousin lost his 19 year old son last week - another reason to be reminded of how lucky I am for what I DO have).

I can move. I don't have to have this house. And, in learning that I learned I already have it all.

I truly, from the bottom of my heart - am grateful!

I was not willing to risk it all to get to a higher place - but the Universe had a different plan.

I want to wake up each morning and wonder what I am willing to risk to get to a higher place. I want to remember that abundance is not bad - but it is not measured in money or things either. I won't turn down a great income again - but I will know what it's place is in my life.

What really, really matters to you?

It just takes one person...

My last blog was over 2 weeks ago. Yes, I did the "no one really cares, so why bother?" whine. Then today I got a message on Twitter from someone who had read my last post. That one person motivated me to keep writing! Thank you!

So I started thinking about people who have influenced me. Can one person really make a difference in another's life?

Here is one person who changed my life in a huge way -

Troy -
about a month ago I went on a "blind" date - Troy was a great looking guy and we were comfortable talking right away. A big part of his life was endurance sports. I trained for a marathon about 8 years ago but never ran it due to work constraints. I was up to running about 18 miles twice a week. Troy made a significant comment - I am 41, and too tall and big to be an endurance athlete", but I did it anyway". Being in the world of training and development I am in a position to be, ah, low on work these days. After pondering Troy's comment and whining about too much time on my hands I decided to get on my bike and see how far I could ride.

Was this endurance thing, perhaps a triathlon, something I could do? Like Troy I know I don't look like an endurance athlete - forgive my bluntness - but I have big boobs - not what you normally picture in a triathlete.

I rode 26 miles on a cheap mountain bike. And, I was not too sore! OK - so I could bike - could I swim?

About a month ago I jumped in the pool and swam 10 laps in 30 minutes. Today I swam 74 laps in 52 minutes. While I am sure that is not olympic, its DAMN good!

I am going to compete in a half triathlon - and perhaps more. One comment from Troy propelled me to explore new boundaries.

I have never spoken to him again - but I am grateful for that one date with Troy!!!

Grateful, blah, blah, blah?

So what is with all this "you need to be grateful" stuff bombarding us everywhere we turn? I had to stop today (and almost) screamed STOP THE MADNESS! Then I stopped to really ponder this "grateful" push.

I started thinking about places I have worked, and the people there. Several names and faces came to mind - I smiled and got nostalgic, then I thought of the whiners. You know, those people who always have something bad to say?! They hate their job, the boss is stupid, their peers were morons who "couldn't think their way out of a paper bag." Sound familar? Then I started to think about how I felt around them. I started to hate my job too! Then I found that if I had been around them at the end of the day my bad mood followed me home. And spilled into my personal life.

Then I started thinking about friends who were whiners about life. The ones who complain about their boyfriends, of husbands, but stay with them. The ones who bitch about how much weight they have gained, but they don't work out... they make me feel shitty too!

Naturally I found myself wondering if I was ever the whiner? YES! Eek!

I want to practice being grateful. I want to take every negative and make it a positive. What better way to do that then be grateful for what I have?

So, here goes...

I am grateful for;

my son - his humor and health
my ex-husband - he is a great guy and a terrific Dad
my parents - God bless them for everything!
my sister - finally, I really, really like her!
my brothers - even the one I don't like cause he reminds me of who I don't want to be (good, huh?)
Cats - they make me realize how much I love dogs!
the ability to work out
great legs that work
my big boobs (even though they need a "restoration")
my old boyfriend; heck, my old girlfriend (yes, one)
broken hearts (strategically placed under the old flames) - they make me realize how good love really is

blah, blah, blah - what are you grateful for?

grateful for the unexpected...

Today was fairly uneventful - though it has significance. I did not sleep well as I was worried about my friend Jeff. Jeff is an old boyfriend - we dated for 5 months from June to November of 2008. While we did not break up and immediately become friends we have managed to forge a friendship.

Jeff recently broke up with the "replacement" girl (I use that term to describe the woman who tried to replace me in any man's life - though admittedly the "replacement" may be more significant than I ever was). He is broken hearted and reached out to me for help. And, throughout the weekend I have spent hours on the phone listening to his hopes for getting her back, including editing the "please take me back letter" for him.

Now, while I am a life coach, I am a human foremost. Talking to Jeff about his desire to get her back hurt, bad. I think there is a part of every human, man or woman, hetero or homo sexual who wants to know an old flame wants them back. Here I am listening to my old heart throb describe his desires to get the "replacement" back.

So, are you asking me why I did this?

Last summer was BAD for me. Bad things happened, from two life threatening freak injuries, to arguments with the family to losing a job. Jeff was there througout it all. He was the one that stuck with me. There were also friends who came out of the woodwork to help me when I was incapacitated after surgery...people whom I would never have expected to help.

I learned that it is not always the expected people who will be there in an emergency. Sometimes the best friends are the ones you don't even ask for help - they just show up and do things you didn't even know needed to be done.

I helped Jeff because I care, and because I can pay forward what he and others did for me last summer.

While it hurt, it felt good. I am learning to live through gratitude. While I am a coach and I "preach" this concept - it doesn't always get "lived". Yes, I admit it. I like to think that is what makes me good at what I do.

I am grateful an unexpected friend thought of me when he needed someone.